I recently read this article on Facebook and it really got me thinking.
For the longest time, I would allow myself to be a man’s half-time, down-time, spare-time, or sometimes. Why? I honestly thought that I should be happy to have someone interested in me at all. Hey, take what I can get and by happy with it. I never realized how much my self-esteem really suffered at the words of those that tortured me through school once I transferred in 4th grade. 8 years of torment really took a toll on me and even though I was able to make and maintain healthy friendships, I was unable to do the same with relationships. I would always convince myself that I wasn’t, in fact, their “sometimes”. I would convince myself that my relationship was typical and that all of the “perfect” couples that I knew were just putting on a show. After spending almost 10 years in a relationship and married to a man who always kept me as his “sometimes”, I’ve learned that I really do deserve more and I won’t settle for less.
For the past 7 months, I have been dating someone who I had actually dated sometime around 1997. We’re good together. We compliment each other nicely and get along grandly. I don’t feel like he makes me his “sometimes”, but I am starting to feel like I can only be his “spare-time”. When I originally read the article referenced above, I thought they were synonymous with each other; sometimes, spare-time, down-time… all meaning the same thing. I struggled with trying to fit my feelings about my relationship into that scenario when I realized that “sometimes” and “spare-time” don’t always have to mean the same thing.
BF is very successful, but that success comes at a price. He works a lot. And by “a lot”, I mean basically all of the time. He will be on conference calls for hours on end. He will work until 4am. He is on call on weekends. He works All. The. Time. Why does he do this? He wants to make sure that his daughter is provided for. I can understand that. I wish I could have some of the security that his income provides, but without the price. I’ve grown to appreciate that although finances are tight for me, I have more time to nurture my relationships whether they are with my children, my friends, or my family. You can’t put a price tag on quality time.
Therein lies the rub. Quality time. BF and I basically only get to see each other every other weekend due to visitation schedules and , mainly, his work. We have the opportunity to see each other every Friday, but due to work and computer issues, it has never happened. He went out-of-town this past weekend (our usual weekend together) to see friends so we didn’t see each other as usual. The last time I saw him was 2.8.15. The last time I heard his voice was 2.14.15. Most likely, the next time I see him will be 2.27.15.
I don’t know if being his “spare-time” is going to be good enough for me. I know it isn’t by choice, but it is my reality. How do you nurture and grow an every other weekend relationship? At what point to do you just throw in the towel?
I don’t want to be all the time, I just want more time.