I just want MORE time.

I recently read this article on Facebook and it really got me thinking.

For the longest time, I would allow myself to be a man’s half-time, down-time, spare-time, or sometimes.  Why?  I honestly thought that I should be happy to have someone interested in me at all.  Hey, take what I can get and by happy with it.  I never realized how much my self-esteem really suffered at the words of those that tortured me through school once I transferred in 4th grade.  8 years of torment really took a toll on me and even though I was able to make and maintain healthy friendships, I was unable to do the same with relationships.  I would always convince myself that I wasn’t, in fact, their “sometimes”.  I would convince myself that my relationship was typical and that all of the “perfect” couples that I knew were just putting on a show.  After spending almost 10 years in a relationship and married to a man who always kept me as his “sometimes”, I’ve learned that I really do deserve more and I won’t settle for less.

For the past 7 months, I have been dating someone who I had actually dated sometime around 1997.  We’re good together.  We compliment each other nicely and get along grandly.  I don’t feel like he makes me his “sometimes”, but I am starting to feel like I can only be his “spare-time”.  When I originally read the article referenced above, I thought they were synonymous with each other; sometimes, spare-time, down-time… all meaning the same thing.  I struggled with trying to fit my feelings about my relationship into that scenario when I realized that “sometimes” and “spare-time” don’t always have to mean the same thing.

BF is very successful, but that success comes at a price.  He works a lot.  And by “a lot”, I mean basically all of the time.  He will be on conference calls for hours on end.  He will work until 4am.  He is on call on weekends.  He works All. The. Time.  Why does he do this?  He wants to make sure that his daughter is provided for.  I can understand that.  I wish I could have some of the security that his income provides, but without the price.  I’ve grown to appreciate that although finances are tight for me, I have more time to nurture my relationships whether they are with my children, my friends, or my family.  You can’t put a price tag on quality time.

Therein lies the rub.  Quality time.  BF and I basically only get to see each other every other weekend due to visitation schedules and , mainly, his work.  We have the opportunity to see each other every Friday, but due to work and computer issues, it has never happened.  He went out-of-town this past weekend (our usual weekend together) to see friends so we didn’t see each other as usual.  The last time I saw him was 2.8.15.  The last time I heard his voice was 2.14.15. Most likely, the next time I see him will be 2.27.15.

I don’t know if being his “spare-time” is going to be good enough for me.  I know it isn’t by choice, but it is my reality.  How do you nurture and grow an every other weekend relationship?  At what point to do you just throw in the towel?

I don’t want to be all the time, I just want more time.

Advertisements
Standard

This whole parenting thing is hard.

I’m having one of those days where I am struggling as a parent.  Every day I do my best hoping that my boys will grow up to be polite, intelligent, kind young men that contribute to society in a positive manner.  I’m trying to raise children that teachers love to have in their classrooms and their peers want to be friends with. I have one child that is very emotional in a good way.  He is able to not only show sympathy, but also empathy.  He has a strong sense of family and responsibility.  He takes pride in doing what he thinks is right, including trying to protect his brother from consequences for not following the rules.  Sometimes, this kindness goes too far in that he will do things for his brother so he won’t get in trouble.

My other son has a heart of gold and will tell me that he loves me a million times a day.  He is naturally gifted athletically and very smart (like his brother).  Unfortunately, he rarely does what he is told.  He will outright ignore me when he is asked or told to do something.  This makes getting anything accomplished nearly impossible and it makes my older son take on more responsibility (of his own accord even though I tell him not to).  Everything from putting clothes on, taking clothes off, putting trash in the can, picking up toys, and staying out of the sink is a battle of wills.  He hits and kicks both his brother and me on a regular basis and I have yet to find a consequence that will work consistently with him.  He will also stick his tongue out at me and has even spit on me on more than one occasion.

I feel like the protective nature of my older son only serves to encourage these poor behaviors in my younger son.  I am often reduced to tears because I cannot understand why #2 finds joy in hurting me.  I fear that I am failing miserably at parenting #2.  I fear that he will be in trouble in school.  I fear that he will eventually be in trouble with the law.  I fear drugs, sex, alcohol, running away, and having a son that is that kid. I fear that I don’t know how to parent #2 and that I am failing him.

I fear that it is somehow my fault.  Is it the divorce?  Is it his father?  Is it the lack of having a male role model around daily?  Am I too forgiving?  Am I too strict?  Am I a poor role model?  Am I a bad mother?

That is the question that haunts me.

Am I a bad mother?

There are so many days that I fear the answer is: Yes.

Standard

Alone… and miserable.

Ive been realizing that I have developed an aversion to being alone.  Its not an issue with being [almost] divorced, but rather an issue with being by myself. Ive not always been like this.  In fact, I used to really enjoy just being by myself.  Just BEING.  Now, I find myself positively miserable when Im alone.  I feel incredibly lonely (imagine that) and fall into an almost depressed state when I don’t have the boys, nor anyone to keep me company.  Im perplexed by this.  Most moms would do damn near anything for a night to herself every couple of weeks, but I dread it.

I just got an email that has scrambled my thoughts.  I’ll have to come back to this later.

Standard

WHY?

Why do people collect things?  Seriously.  Its just stuff.  Stuff that takes up valuable space. Why, people?  WHY?

AND

Why aren’t people nice any more?  Smile and say ‘hello’ to a stranger every once in a while.  If you see someone wearing a wicked-cool scarf, TELL THEM!  Someone tells you a joke you’ve heard a million times, LAUGH!  Give random compliments.  Practice random acts of kindness.  Kindness can be contagious… spread the joy!

Dag, yo!

Standard

One year later…

Finding time to write when I’m at home is difficult.  I rarely have time to myself when I can put my thoughts out there instead of fogging up my brain.  Now that I am back to work, I have some time to sit down and over-share with everyone.

I have numerous things that I want to get off of my mind and I hope that I am still able to discuss them coherently since I wasn’t able to write about them when I was thinking about them.  I guess the most natural way to go about it would be to kind of reflect on the past year.  (How cliché, right?)

This time last year, the boys and I had been living with my father for exactly 7 days.  After years of struggling to save my failing marriage, I had hit the wall.  I had no more staying power and knew that if I didn’t get out, that both the boys and I would suffer for it.  I struggled with the idea of leaving for a long time, with my greatest fear being:  Will my boys hate me when they’re older because I took them away from their father, or will they hate me because I never did?  I’m not much for gambling (see what I did there?) so I had difficulty making a decision with the outcome being so unknown.  When J gambled away all of our Christmas and bill money 4 days before Christmas, he made the decision for me.  He knew that the casino was a deal breaker for me since I had just recently moved back in to the house.  He knew it was a deal breaker and went anyway.  Decision made.

I had already gained a bunch of weight after losing my mom, but this made it worse.  Actually, I don’t even want to talk about this.  Dead horse.

March, 2014- The boys and I moved in to our own place and started over.  It was really difficult for a while since J wasn’t paying child support, but we got by with the help of family.  This moment was the beginning of something great.  This moment is when I began to find happiness again.  No more walking around on eggshells all of the time.  No more trying to deflect the constant yelling and intimidation so my boys wouldn’t get the brunt of it.  No more trying to hide the fact that my husband has an addiction, out of embarrassment for myself.  No.  Now it was time to wake up without a worry in the world outside of:  What’s for breakfast?  What are the boys wearing to school?  Are lunches packed?  Do I need to warm the car up?  Just life.  It required a very large gesture, but I simplified my life and found happiness along the way.

In late July, I reconnected with an old flame and found more happiness.  It is comfortable and easy and he makes me laugh.  I missed laughing, and now I find myself missing him when he’s not around.

I had other things that I wanted to discuss, but they got lost in the natural progression of this post.  Its ok, though, for I have managed to accidentally remind myself of just how far I have come.

Victoria 3.0.   Huh….and I thought I was just beginning.

Standard

Go ahead, judge me.

I’m supposed to run the Celtic Solstice 5 miler this weekend, but I am seriously thinking about just going to the gym and training some more instead.  There is NO WAY that I can run 5 miles right now and the person that was going with me has managed to turn her ankle into a baseball.  I’ve already picked up the very expensive premium that I paid for so there’s a good chance that I am going to bail.

I have mixed emotions about this (almost) decision that I’ve made.  Part of me feels like a total chump for bailing and then another part of me feels as if going will just make me feel like a failure since I KNOW I can’t do it.  I don’t want to be embarrassed and I know that is exactly how I will feel.  I’m pretty sure I’m not going.

Regarding another completely unrelated topic, everyone has secrets, right?  I mean, everyone has to have SOMETHING that they don’t share with everyone, something that you fear will make others judge you or end relationships before they even start.  How do you decide whether or not to share this?  How do you decide when to share if you do, in fact, decide to share it?  How do you handle it if you don’t share but it somehow comes out down the road?  How do we avoid sabotaging relationships so we never have to confront these difficult issues?  Perhaps this is why we hold on to people/relationships that we’ve outgrown.  Perhaps this is why we punish ourselves by refusing to let go of those we know aren’t good for us.

So, yeah.  I’ve got secrets that I don’t share.

Go ahead, judge me.

Standard

This is MY time.

I’m back at the gym, and I’m excited to be there.  I am supposed to ‘run’ a 5 mile race on the 13th, but there is no way that I will be ready.  I am going to just run intervals and do the best that I can.  My main goal is to be ready to run the Frederick Half Marathon in May.  I’ve done it before and it is my absolute favorite 13.1.  I have to admit that it is hard as h-e-double hockey sticks to run while so heavy, but I know that it will get easier as I shed the pounds.

My whole life I’ve had a bad habit of always being so worried about what other people thought of me that I would often lose sight of who I am in the process.  I have recently noticed that I have been doing the same thing.  I’m worrying too much about something that I really have no control of, so as of right now, I refuse to do that any more.  I need to focus on me: my health, my family, and my sanity!  I don’t have time to worry about what someone else thinks of me or whether or not someone is thinking of me. I am going to be thinking of myself for a while.  That shouldn’t be such a novel concept, but it is.  I think that moms especially have difficulty realizing that they are important.  Too often do I find myself putting my needs aside for the needs of others: my children, my colleagues, my family, etc.  We always read about the importance of taking care of ourselves so that we are able to take care of others, but how many of us do this successfully?  How many of us actually try?  This is a goal for me now.  The number one thing that I will be doing for myself is getting back out there and pounding the pavement.  If that means that I have to do a good deal of training on the treadmill for now, then so be it.  I can do regular 3 mile runs at the gym and do longer runs on the weekend when my dad can watch the boys.

I CAN make this work.

This is MY time.

Victoria 3.0 or BUST.

Me and the girls before starting the Frederick Half Marathon in May of 2012.  I can't wait to get out there and run this one again!

Me and the girls before starting the Frederick Half Marathon in May of 2012. I can’t wait to get out there and run this one again!

Standard